Locker Room Protocol!

Locker Rooms are a weird place to be, no matter what age you are. After a while you get comfortable being around other naked men (some guys get a little bit too comfortable), and you go about your business just like every other guy, but that doesn't mean that awkward moments cease to exist. I guess it starts from the time you are in Junior High Sports, and it follows you until you are almost dead. Locker Rooms are a weird place to be, especially for those of us who still giggle when people try to conduct conversations buck naked.

We do evolve as athletes on the field, but we also evolve in the locker-room with our comfort level, and what we will tolerate on any given day. Let's look at our magical journey from infancy-adulthood, through the eyes of the locker-room.

Grades 7-10 (Afraid of other naked men, afraid of someone making fun of your small member).

This is by far the weirdest part of your journey through sports locker rooms. Your starting to sweat and smell like a dirty womens bathroom douche, but your up in the air about taking a shower (because no one else is showering),but you smell like balls, and you want people to know you care about your hygiene. When you get into the showers you keep your eyes locked straight at the ceiling (and you may choose to wear boxers like I did), you get in and out, fast. If you mess around in their, you may get someone engaging you in naked conversation, or you could have someone nickname you "Bald Eagle" because you haven't grown pubic hair, trust me, that sucks. Nothing about these locker room situations is fun, it sucks, pure and simple.

Grades 10-12 (Not afraid anymore, because everyone's got the same tools, but still not going to spend extra time in their).

You've gotten past your shyness and awkwardness, but some situations still haunt you. This is probably the only place that you feel safe, in telling your buddies stories about the first time you hooked up, (it's a safe haven even if you slept with someone's mother, sister, grandmother, or girlfriend). The only real social situation that is still weird to you is when your in an away locker room and someone had the bright idea, to install the "Debbie Does Dallas" showers (one shower pole, four heads, terrible). This will never be comfortable to you, especially because your now at the age that urinating on your friends is amusing, until they fill up a Pert Plus bottle with their urine, then dump it on you (apparently it did remove dandruff though).

College (Locker Room is place to hang out in between classes, no awkwardness)

By now, you've seen more Johnson's than Sue Johanson (lady who was on Oxygen, and talked about sex, while surrounded by EggBeaters). No real troubling things happening, unless you stumble into the Rec Center's locker-room, and a middle-aged man completely blindsides you, an purposely excuses himself, while his balls drag on the floor while he walks past you. Then he wants to have a conversation with you, while he's toweling off, what do you do? You look at the ceiling or fake a phone call, and run away (maybe not, hell, he may have candy or puppies)!

Professional Baseball (Combination of everything you've ever seen, or has made you feel awkward).

This is like a damn jungle. When no one knows who you are (which I don't understand, doesn't 49th round say, "You should know who I am"), and no one cares what you do, you can go hungry in a MILB Locker Room. Spanish, German, English, and French languages all being shouted, numerous people raping you with their eyes, it takes awhile to get used to it. Specifically, let me list some of the things you shouldn't do while in a MILB locker-room, especially during Spring Training.

1. Use someone's body powder and forget to tighten the cap, because they will know your un-coordinated hands have used it,and be upset.

2. Turn your back on Latin's who don't know you, because they could pee on you or make hand gestures as to how your lack of sausage depth, is funny to look at (not my problem).

3. Mess with someone's locker, because they will put Icey-Hot in your hat, and it will suck, trust me.

4. Bring pictures of your girlfriend and put them in your locker.

5. Leave your Pine Tar Stick out in the open, because I will steal it, and use it for my hair.

6. Try to translate Spanish word for word. It's impossible, so just listen for keywords that will indicate if your an ass-kisser, or that you suck.

7. Ask someone if they've ever had (what you have) on your pubic region.

8. Listen to your Ipod at all times, because your focused...no one thinks your focused, your just a Gaylord.

9. Brag about a girl,whose coming into town, to see you...someone will try to seduce her, and bang her...probably me.

10. Piss off Dock Doyle!