Sacco's Schism:Health Care Reform Part II

Before you pack your bags and head off to live in another country I would like to take a minute to propose to you the latest Bill that I will be sending to the House Floor early next week. I have worked with a prestige’s group to fill in the holes that were left out by the recent Bill that was just passed. Not to fear fellow Americans, I am here to ensure you that in Sac you can trust.


HOMER’S POETS CONGRESS

Committee: WAYS & MEANS of Ben Roethlisberger
Principal Author: Pope Sacco
Bill No: 40’s on 40’s
Delegation: Red Stripe



Title of Bill: MAKING IT RAIN


BE IT ENACTED BY CONGRESS

Preamble: Since 1772, gentlemen have been accustomed to lap dances, fine alcoholic beverages and pulling a PAC Man and letting it rain. It is estimated that during this time we have spent 2.3 trillion dollars (most in one dollar bills) on these types of luxuries. From the trips to the Strip Club to the enjoyments of a pinch of Grizzly we as American’s sure know how to spend our money. This Bill therefore looks to save American’s 2.1 Billion over the next five years and is estimated to save a few marriages and relationships along the way.

SECTION 1: This act may be cited as, “Goodbye Funland ”


SECTION 2: Under the Vince Chase Policy, We the United States Government shall no longer use our personal offices as personal bunny ranch rooms. To enact this rule we have put Slick Willy Clinton & Eliot Spitzer in charge of enforcing it.




SECTION 3: The United States government will tax Strip Clubs, Pornography companies and individuals 20 cents on every dollar made. All medical expenses for dancers/actors/actresses and workers will be in charge of the place of work. If you make over a million dollars a year 1% of your paycheck will go towards Special Education programs in schools.


SECTION 4: An Entourage shall be created by the US Government to assess--
Sub-SECTION A: The Entourage’s concentration will be to make sure star athletes/movie stars stop raping, assaulting, and acting like assholes in public.
Sub-SECTION B: If caught with a charge against you, you must spend 24 hours with my mother.
Sub-SECTION C:
Each Professional Sports leagues players must--
(A) Go to church
(B) Participate in community service with youth groups
(C) Stay away from Bars/Strip Clubs/and anything else that deals with young men and women partaking in the devils’ fun.





SECTION 5: Booze, Guns, and good old fashion tobacco products shall be taxed 50 percent more.
Sub-SECTION A: The industries subject to harsher taxes due to the increasing number of deaths. If you buy a gun it will cost you, if you want to get drunk, it will cost you. If you do both and operate a vehicle you will be sent to live in West Virginia (where all of this is legal).
Sub-SECTION B: Half of all tobacco product sales will go toward education programs to inform the public on why they may harm you. No longer will this come from lobbyist groups.


SECTION 6: This bill shall go into effect right after The Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl.

LISTEN UP:
I understand that most of you are worried about what this Bill that was just passed is going to mean to the American Public, but let’s give it some time. I got an idea for everyone, go get a damn job. I don’t care if you have to work washing dishes, do something. You think I enjoy having a Master’s degree and a crap load of debt? Nope, but I know that by working at least I will be providing something for little Jose who just crossed the border last night.